i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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