I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
