This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
