I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
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