no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I am naked and annoyed.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
