Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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