When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
