I'm sorry my penis didn't work
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
