the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Randomize
