I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
