I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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