Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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