listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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