Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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