There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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