Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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