I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
