I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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