I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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