I think I won the penis lottery.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
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His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
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Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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