this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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