You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
