I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
