now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
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