let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
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how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
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Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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