woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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