So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
