did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
