Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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