I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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