Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
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You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
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So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize