here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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