you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
