I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
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I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
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He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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