You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
