I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
