I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
