A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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