for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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