Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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