I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
