onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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