Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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