Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
My bed smells like the plague
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
