the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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