a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
