just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
