and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
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I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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