Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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