i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
My liver just had a heart attack.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!