I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
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I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
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This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?