In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....