Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
