i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
