She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
