Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
