Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
