Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
