how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
