just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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