Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just forgot I was standing up.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
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