and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Randomize
