i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
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